Long time between posts! Life has been a bit out of control the last 6 months, but on the eve of my 40th birthday, i feel inspired and ready to start writing again, and reflect on some of the biggest lessons i have learnt this year. It will be pretty self indulgent, but i am pretty damn proud of the growth i have had as a person in the last 12 months, and excited for the next stage of my life. 😊
It has certainly been one of the most bizarre and uncertain years that most of us will probably see in our lifetime, and for me it has brought quite a mixed bag. I have experienced some incredible lows, but also some amazing highs, and while it is easy to get drawn into self pity and sadness, i did try to focus on staying happy and positive.
I failed at this. A lot. 🙈
My brain wanted to be kind of like Joy from the movie Inside Out. Block all the other “negative” emotions, put on a brave face and carry on. I am such a positive and upbeat person usually, so i really struggled to cope with the whole range of emotions i was feeling. Once i started to accept them though, and let myself really feel and own them, i was able to take control and started to see a light at the end of the tunnel and pull my way out of the funk i was in. Lesson learnt.
I have met some fantastic people this year, and while some of the best have inspired me to be totally and unequivocally true to myself, others have taught me to trust my gut instinct and to always trust actions over words. I realised that i had been trying to fill my cup from outside sources, and when i began to learn to do it from within, i began to create a very peaceful and secure sense of self. This empowered me to take control of my life, relationships and trust in that what is meant for me will not pass me by. I spent a lot of years of my life very shut down and emotionally void, so it has been wonderful to dig deeper into my own soul and realise i possess far more emotional intelligence than i ever thought possible. After writing that, i realise how much that goes hand in hand with my previous paragraph. 🙄 Lesson learnt.
For many years, i sacrificed a lot of my own happiness and friendships, to appease and pander to someone else’s insecurities. I was always such a sociable person, and after catching up with some old friends a few weeks back, it hit me like a tonne of bricks, just how much of myself i had lost over the years. I am so blessed to now have an amazing group of women in my life, who i love to death and am proud to call my friends. I keep my circle small, but i know every one of them is in my corner, no matter what life throws at me, and i absolutely cherish that. I will never, and they certainly won’t let me, get myself into that situation again.❤ Lesson learnt.
Finally, I carried a lot of guilt for a long time about breaking my family apart, mostly because i was worried about the impact it would have on our son. He is a sensitive soul, and even though he gets a bit overwhelmed with life sometimes (don’t we all?!), he shows me everyday what a kind, thoughtful young man he is becoming. Don’t get me wrong, we have our moments, but i have come to realise that a lot of his behaviour is often a cry for attention. This became obvious the last few months, when i was out working my ass off, trying to pay off a massive vet bill, and my mum spent a lot of time looking after him. His behaviour started to deteriorate, and he was getting just a bit too cheeky and defiant for my liking. At first i got mad, then i started to think a bit more objectively about things. I had really spent next to no quality down time with him in months, so i made the decision to put the effort in and make the time. We have been going to the movies, riding motorbikes, going on lunch dates, going swimming, playing with our foal, and just generally hanging out. He has been absolutely magic since and it has been really lovely to reconnect.
So much of what i do for work is being able to see and understand what isn’t being said, so it was pretty cool to be able to apply this to my child. Lesson learnt.
So congratulations, you have made it to the end of this epic highlight reel of my life in my 40th year!
It could have looked a lot diffrent than it does now, if i didn’t find the courage to choose me over all else. I have come so far, but i know i am only just scratching the surface of everything life has in store for me, and that excites me a lot.
Now here’s to surviving my 40th Birthday party at a brewery this Saturday night!!! 😂😂😂
I hope you all have a fabulous festive season.
p.s. I promise my next post will be horse related. ;p